A message to me.

For years I’ve struggled with self-acceptance. This has manifested itself in many ways. One of the most apparent is the way I draw.

I don’t actually have much confidence in that area. Back when I was really into anime and manga, I had a style that showed very strong influences from that. I was mocked and put down for drawing that way…so that pushed me out of that sphere of influence. To this day I avoid the ‘typical manga/anime’ look because I don’t want to go through that episode again, even though it’s exceedingly popular.

My style isn’t consistent. It bounces all over the place and changes often. A close friend of mine commented that if I’m experiencing emotional turmoil, my style will change one way or another.

My style is simple. It’s not embellished and loaded with lots of sparkly things. It doesn’t contain lots of details, nor is it as epic as the stuff you’d see in a Blizzard game, for example. I’m surrounded by extremely talented and capable peers who can produce work of that calibre. It’s hard to maintain confidence among them, because I feel I’m inferior. “Why can’t I draw epic and awesome as well as they can? Why can’t I produce a character loaded with all those intricate details that make people’s jaws drop? Why can’t I paint digitally as confidently and quickly as them?”

Maybe it’s not because I’m inferior. Maybe it’s simply because I have a different way of looking at the world, a different expression, a different aesthetic.

Maybe it’s because I have a different style.

That doesn’t mean it’s an excuse for me to not bother trying to get those skills of painting epic, detailed awesomeness under my belt. I’m trying to get better at them. I WANT to be able to do detailed and epic and awesome.

It just means, “I can’t do this as well as other people who specialise in it can, BUT I can do my own thing and it’s pretty swell looking in it’s own way.”

This is about me, trying to come to terms that yes, this is who I am, and it’s not something I can change overnight. I want to keep improving and evolving, but I need to accept myself first.